EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

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Quad erat demonstrandum, semi-automatic packing peanut sniper rifle is a quite valuable elephant trunk at the crack of lawn gnome-sitting-upon classes which end on ice cream sundae with BACON condensate in my toothpaste capsule LAUNCHING IN T-MINUS THREE...... TWO..... SPONGE BATH...... ONE AND A HALF..... FART-OFF!!! BAAARRROOONNNTTT!!! And there goes my last shred of sanity right out the window. WWWHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. I always knew I was going to go completely batshit over-the-fucking-rainbow insane one of these days. I just figured my inevitable descent into madness would involve less banging my face on a keyboard and more news headlines about a deranged fat-chick launching herself via catapult at the Whitehouse, on fire, while shouting obscenities about the establishment media and failed democracy.

I literally shrieked at the top of my lungs. I'm pretty sure my neighbors are calling the cops right this second. Or an ambulance. Or both. Probably the fire department too. Hell, they might be calling Homeland Security on my ass. Some of the noises I was making? DAMN. I didn't even know humans could hit that pitch. There are some dolphins in the Gulf right now looking at each other like WHAT THE EVERLOVING QUEEN MOTHER OF ALL-HUMPING FUCKNATION WAS THAT!? Hell, I might call Homeland Security on myself! TAKE ME AWAY. I AM A MENACE TO SOCIETY….. AND APPARENTLY DOLPHINS.   

Me: *Offers up wrists for due handcuffing*

Homeland security: Um…. We were thinking something more like…. *holds up straight jacket* And maybe a decompression tank….. for starters.  

*Cough*

Ahhhh….. the Soul Reaver series. I loved it…… obviously. I am not typically prone to tacking the word "favorite" in front of things but I can honestly say, without any hesitation or wavering, that the Soul Reaver series is my favorite game series of all time. I replayed it a while back and felt a nearly forgotten pang that I haven't experienced in years; I call it "completion sadness." It's the feeling which comes upon finishing a really excellent game that touched you in some profound way and you're sad it's over.

For its time, I think Soul Reaver was a brilliant though dangerously anemic and flawed game. You can run right past most of the enemies without fighting and you might as well because there is absolutely no benefit to fighting other than not having a conga-line of monsties on your shiny, blue ass all the time. The second game consisted almost entirely of Raziel sneaking up on Kain and trying to out-soliloquize him. The third game was pretty much just a big montage of Raziel and Kain wandering around going "OOH, look! A mural! OOH, Look! Another mural! By the gods this mural contradicts the last two murals! HO! Another contradictory mural! Now this is different, a barely legible mural! OMG GIANT SQUID, and a mural. More murals, ERMAGERD! ETS A MEE-URRUHL!" By the end of the third game, I couldn't help but wonder if Crystal Dynamics had a slew of rampantly masturbating mural fetishists in their ranks.   

That aside, these are the kind of game series we story-fags LOVE. The SR series was atmospheric, unique, enthralling, rich, and full of character. It was exceptionally well acted and the story was fascinating (at least to me). I would love, no, I would SHIT MYSELF INSIDE-OUT WITH COSMIC, RAINBOW-SPARKLING GLEE-SEIZURES OF UNBRIDLED, GLITTERY, ECSTATIC, NOSTALGIAGASMIC FLAIL-SPASMS if both the LOK and SR series were remade. I would, literally. I am not abusing the word "literally," I mean that would actually, quite literally happen….. which could get messy.

I'd want to see the dialog and voice acting from the SR series kept because in my opinion, it was damn good. Or if they aren't going to keep the original dialog and voice acting, I hope the new voice actors can live up to Michael Bell, Simon Templeman, and Tony Jay who were AMAZING at voicing their characters and so, so very iconic. Modern graphics will be most wonderful, the story could be cleaned up a little (populating your game-world with murals is NOT a good plot-advancing device), no more !@#$%^&* backtracking, yes, yes. But you know what I will REALLY be looking forward do? Good gameplay.

If these guys could combine the epic story with great game mechanics minus having to worry about all the limitations they previously suffered…… oh god yes *spasm.* I'd love to see something almost Sky Rim-like where you can customize your approach to battle. That makes it a lot more fun to me. Maybe we could pour points into different kinds of attacks…. like sniping. I love sniping. I am a snipey-sniperton. I will snipe that curly, black ingrown hair off your ass from across the map. I am a SNIPETY SNIPING SNIPEY-SNIPER WHO SNIPES LIKE NO OTHER SNIPER IN THE ENTIRE SNIPING SNIPERVERSE. SSSNNNIIIPPPEEEE. *cough* Sorry. My sanity appears to have not fully returned yet.

Gods: "Yet?" *Laughing sinisterly in unison.* "Who said anything about your sanity ever returning? You're much more entertaining this way." *More sinister laughing.*

Me: "Ok…………Who needs sanity anyway? …………Can I have a soul sniper rifle?"

Gods: "Yes. *Bestows soul sniper.* Just don't- OUCH! Hey, watch where you're aiming that…. OUCH! Oh hell, what have we done? OUUUCH! OUCH! Fuck. This was a terrible idea OUCH! STOP THAT! Why did we give that to her? OUCCCCHHHHHH! We are dumb. We deserve this. BALLS! OUCH Alright, that's it! We are taking that back."

Me: "Old Mc Donald  had a SNIPER RIFLE, SNIPE-EE, SNIPE-EE, SNIPE-O." *Takes aim at Zeus' left buttock.* ZZZAM!  

Zeus: OUCH!

Hermes: I told you guys this was a bad idea but no one ever listens to ME.

Ares: This is fucking awesome.

Hades: NO IT REALLY ISN'T. That is a SOUL WEAPON! Do you have ANY IDEA what the implications are for ME!? Screw this noise. I am going on sabbatical  until someone takes that fucking thing away from her! *storms away*  

Me: HERE COMES SNIPER-CLAUSE, HERE COMES SNIPER-CLAUSE, RIGHT DOWN SNIPER-CLAUSE LANE!!! * Snipe Snipe Snipe Snipe*

*cough* Sorry. Again, sanity. Heh-heh.

Please oh please oh pretty fucking please with bacon on top, please don't let this be an unfounded rumor. I will die. I will die and explode and the carbon atoms from my body will fuse with the air molecules at such a speed, the resulting plasma bubble of agony will vaporize everything within a hundred mile radius. Anyone witnessing the misery-blaze firsthand, as my death mushroom cloud of abject disappointment rises into the sky, will go permanently blind. The resulting airborne particulate matter will encompass the planet and blot out the sun for years, causing global temperatures drop an average of around ten degrees per year. It could potentially be an extinction event for the entire planet. So PLLLLEEEAAASSSEEEEEE don't let this be a RUMOR! PPLEEAASSSEEE. *Flail*