I love you my darling, but you do not love me

...as evidenced by the face splatter which doesn't really show up very well at this resolution.

Satan: That thing would look so hot with some big jangly tits.

Me: First off, it’s a male, and second off, he's made out of wood so there wouldn't be much jangling going on.

Satan: That's so hot. How the crap does he mate? I see no peenor.

Me: When was the last time you saw a tree with a penis?

Satan: The Grendel!

Me: The Grendel was not a tree. It was at best, a tree-like creature.

Satan: Ents!

Me: Tolkien is rolling over in his grave.

Satan: No he's not, he's playing checkers.

Me: What is it with this sex obsession!? You're the father of lies! The light bearer! The corrupter of souls. Surely you can do more than obsess over a commonly occurring biological function.

Satan: Mmmmm.... biological functions.... hot.

Me: You're ridiculous.

Satan: At least add a vagina. I’d settle for that. You could paint the dangly bits as leaves.

Me: I’m not putting tits, a penis, or a vagina on this creature. This is a wholesome and cute painting and I would like to keep it that way.

Satan: Wholesome and cute? There’s a big wet bird shit right in the middle of the thing’s face!

Me: What, you don’t think that’s wholesome and cute?

Satan: No, I think it is sexy and erotic.

Me: Somewhere, a psychic soccer-mom has just had a heart-attack and died.

Satan: There aren’t any psychic soccer-moms left. That ‘two girls, one cup’ video killed them all.

Me: Ah. Well, I’m not putting genitals on a tree.

Satan: Okay. But when this thing only gets like two pageviews, don’t come crying to me, because you know what I’ll say.