I'd Rather

I would rather

Shave my armpits with a brick
Clean my ears out with a dick
Use barbwire without a doubt
And floss till all my teeth fall out
Wipe my shining pristine ass
On a gravely glass-strewn plane tarmac
Turn my titties inside out
And pickle them in sauerkraut
Garnish that with pubic hair
Plucked from a horse's derrière
Eat it à la mode with knives
Wash it down with a glass of lye
Stand in for a pink piñata
Rinse my eyes with Piña colada
Drink a bucket's worth of sand
And pull my hairs out all by hand
Yes every single little hair
Even the ones that grow down there
Stand in front of a cow stampede
And let them take a crap on me
Lather it up until I'm covered
Then do it some more until I'm smothered
Stand in the humid Florida heat
Till it bakes into a rock-hard sheath
Call it art and pose for pics
Proceeds go to conservatives!
Run naked through the streets of Fallujah
Screaming JESUS, CHRISTMAS, HALLELUJA!
Take a bullet to the face
And use the hole as a flower vase
Dress up like a rainbow clown
And prance gayly through that part of town
Eat a giant grody block
Of spackle wrapped in a moldy sock
Than ever in eternity
Replay this horrid Fantasy
The one with a 13 on the end
I'll never play that shit again
Not even if you paid me to
I'd rather douche my twat with glue
I'd rather staple my ass shut
I'd rather live in a dogshit hut
I'd rather pull my toenails out
And eat them with a side of grout
There are many things I'd rather do
Than consider even thinking to
Trust Square-Enix after these
Abominations they unleashed
Fuck you bastards in the face
For ruining my free time with this disgrace
A game I describe now only by
What I'd rather do than play one more time

~Bobbie Jean Pentecost

Me: I'd rather poke myself in the eye

Audience: Okay, we get the point.

Me: I'd rather smoke an explosive joint

Audience: Yes, WE KNOW!

Me: I'd rather jump from a 10 story window

Audience: SHUT UP ALREADY for the love of GOD!

Me: I'd rather eat a plot of sod

Audience: We are not LISTENING!

Me: I'd rather drink nitroglycerine

Audience: If we ignore her, maybe she'll stop.

Me: I'd rather blow my nutsuck off

Audience: YOU'RE a CHICK! You don't have a nutsack!

Me: I know, but it rhymed and if I were a dude, I would rather…

Audience: JESUS CHRIST, WILL YOU PLEASE GIVE IT A REST! WE GET THE FUCKING POINT! YOU DIDN'T LIKE FF13!! *sob*

Me: I'd rather…

Audience: NO!

Me: Drown myself in a bucket of snow

Audience: Oh, please do.

Me: I'd rather lick the fleas off a mule.

Audience: Would you really?

Me: I'd rather… no actually, I'm being facetious.

Audience: *cricket cricket cricket* -_______-

Me: Is there anything that rhymes with facetious?

Audience: How long are you going to carry on with this thing?

Me: I'd rather floss with Amy Whinehouse's G-string

Audience: OH GOOD-FUCKING-NIGHT! JESUS CHRIST AND ALL THINGS HOLY I RENOUNCE YOU, GET THEE BEHIND ME, SATAN!!!

Me: Don't be hatin!

Audience: Y___Y What, if anything, can we do to appease you?

Me: Go light Square-enix on fire. They must be punished.

Audience: Only if you promise to stop rhyming and rathering.

Me: I can stop rhyming, but I'm afraid I can never stop rathering. I will rather do anything than play FF13 again for the rest of my life. It is a burden I shall have to bear. But I will bear it silently and without rhyming if you go forth and rain down the wrath of hell on Square-Enix. In fact, destroy that whole side of the planet.

Audience: Um; a tad excessive, don't you think?

Me: NOOOOO

Audience: Er, >.>;

Me: DOOO EEETTT!!!, DO EET NOW! I must be appeased.

Audience: T__T

Me: I would rather....

Audience: OKAY OKAY WE'LL DO IT!!! ...We're sorry it had to come to this, Eastern Hemisphere, but we have no choice. *looks back desperately*

Me: I'D RRRAAATTTHHHEEERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!
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Yeah... I know. I'm ridiculous.